You make a mistake, and you apologize. You wronged this, you wronged that. You wronged one person and then you wronged another. It's unavoidable isn't it? It's the truth isn't it? It seems like all you ever do is wrong. All the choices you make are never right. The things you say are never satisfactory.And then you felt bad for not fulfilling their expectations. And then you get mad because they expect so much out of you. And then you get mad at them because they got mad at you. A vicious cycle isn't it?We then watch the sun set with you mouthing out "I'm sorry", and we lose sight of each other in the dark while we wait for the sun rise again the next day. It's never fun to have people expect so much out of you. Especially when it's from the people you love and love you in return. You feel pressured and you frown upon those expectations. Those people then feel bad for expecting so much and feel bad when you fail to meet up to them. They feel bad because you didn't meet up to their expectations, and they feel bad for making you carry the guilt of the crime. And then you say "I'm sorry". It can't be helped. The situation won't allow any other outcome. Perhaps a little effort might make some difference, but you chose the easy way out.
"You're sorry, aren't you?"
"Yeah."
"You should know well enough that being sorry just doesn't cut it"
"Doink."
"What do you want to do then, to make things better?"
"I wish I can just run."
It's never fun to ask for forgiveness. It's never fun to feel guilty. I can't remember how many people I have wronged, or how many times I wronged the same people again and again and again. I can't even remember the first time I asked for forgiveness, I lost track. And everytime I did ask for it, it feels like I'm begging for my life.Beneath that mask, you deny yourself of the pain that grips your soul. It grips you each and every single time because you know that when you have broken someone when he or she is the most vulnerable, you know you unwillingly destroyed that person, only to realize too late that it would scar them forever. Guilt is unlike vengeance. Vengeance drives you to the brink of insanity. Guilt is more powerful. It threatens to rip sanity right from your neck.
"If one hurts you, you can sleep the pain away. If you hurt another, the pain won't let you sleep."
- ScarYou struggle with all your might to push down the pain, but like a bubble in the water, it will break into many more little bubbles, which you can't possibly hold down. And then you run. And run. And run. It matters little where you run, as long as your legs can move and your body can breathe. With no real destination, with no real goal, you drift. In a futile attempt to enjoy what beauty surrounds you, you inadvertedly look back only to see that ugly shadow still stuck to your feet. But you chose to ignore it, and turn your face around to face the sun. But the sun proved too harsh for your poor little eyes. Eyes that has seen through so uch pain, so much lies, so much guilt, so much suffering. Poor little beautiful eyes. And you find yourself a pair of wings. Wings that let you fly. Without hesitation you put it on, and started to flap away. Without even saying goodbye to the shadow, you fly away. You fly higher, and higher and you enjoyed the clouds, the wind, and you cruised with the merry flock of birds that slice through sky with sheer freedom. What bliss. What joy. It was then you realized that you have succesfully escaped, that you have finally managed to run and break away from the chains that once held you. How very nice for you. And then you decided not to look back, and just speed ahead, ignoring whatever that's tugging you from behind, leaving only the little words of "I'm sorry." Perhaps saying that is most convenient. It's the one thing you're really good at. That's okay. Sorry is all can you say anyway. Sorry is all you ever say. Most likely, sorry is all you will ever be.