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Saturday, February 26, 2005
The Fake story
I just watched the documentary on the Tsunami Tragedy in the National Geographic Channel. It's a very horrible dissaster I would say. As I watch the show, my mind flew off...
I remember I was sleeping when my cell phone rang.
"Hi.. erm.., I had a bad news for you." A call from his sister. At once, I realised the bad news must be about him. I was so awakened as she continued.
"He was in Phuket Island for holiday...." I can hear her sobing as she said.
"Oh My God, No.. Is it true? A prank? " I can't stop asking. I know what happen in Phuket. "His body was found. I guess it's a right thing to let you know." She continued.
I can feel my tears rushing down through my face. No.. it can't be. He is not dead. He is not.... Though its the 4th day after the dissaster, I would never expected or wanted to received such call. "Why did I pick up the phone?", "why did you call me?" I asked myself, trying to run away from the reality. I rather no know what had happen. I rather pretendhe is still alive and move on with his life. "I'm sorry to call. But I guess, my brother would want you to attend his funeral. It's in Penang." She hung up the line as she finished with the address. Should I attend? It's almost a year since we lost in touch. No.... How could I see him there? I will break down if I see him lying in the coffin. Finally I choose not to show up. I choose to run away fromt he reality. I told myself he is not dead. He is still living with his life in another place. I know one day, I will still bump in to him in supermarket, cyber cafe, anywhere.... A fake story I've created to make myself feel better. Think I'm dump? Foolish? Naive? I'm just a human.
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
Words from my heart
I,
Control myself, I need to,
Not to let them see me cry,
Pretending i dun care,
Force myself, not to think of you,
Blaming myself for not being strong.
I,
Could not breath,
With this broken heart of mine,
Searching for signs that you left,
Seeing you there,
With me standing here Hopelessly,
As you fade away slowly........
I,
Could not find the reason to hold on,
Could not feel the gentleness of yours .
Tell me,
Where does my heart goes?
Is there a star waiting for me?
Is that another new start?
Still,
Could not breath with this broken heart,
Could not find the signs of yesterday,
Seeing you there, With me standing here Hopelessly,
As you slowly fade away,
You are just gone........
Let,
The star to be my messenger,
To tell you how much i love you.
Tuesday, February 22, 2005
Nike Shox NZ Pink
Went to KL this evening. It's really hazey (hope I spell it right). I hardly can see the cars that is infront. Well, at least I countered the fear of driving though. I was stuck in the jam for almost an hour. However, I'm still early for the appointment. So I do some shopping in Low Yat. I'm trying to hunt for some cheap graphic card for this olc pc of mine.
After the appointment, I headed to Sg Wang for some DVDs. It's selling cheap (3 for RM 10). The quality is good too. Well not to mention on the originality of the DVD though. At times I still support the cheap stuff. I mean, hey, I can't afford a DVD that cost more than RM40. Why pay more? (that's Malaysian mentality by the way). I bought 3 DVDs, The phantom of the opera (Well recommend), The incredible (I miss my JacJac and Etna) and Vanity Fair.
After that, I thought of stoping by at the shoe shop nearby. I was actually eye-ing on one of the Nike Shox NZ. Wanted to get it for my Chinese New Year shoe the other day when I went shopping with Yau Wei, James and Kenneth. Oh well, finally, I bought the shoe. The seduction (yes, Seduction is the word to describe!) was so strong that I could actually spent more than hundres for a pair of shoes. It's PINK colour. Well, at least it's not GREEN (No, its not an insult). I'm not sure if it worth it a not. Too bad, I wish they have the baby blue or even the greyish.     It's time to get a new pair though. I had wore my old pair of shoes since I'm in Form 3 (which is about 10 years ago). It actually can be put in the museum for gallery (*Blek*).
After I got home, I'm so excited about the shoes that I went straight to the kitchen to tell mom. As I was walking, I felt kinda guilty.
"Damn, I just wasted my money on this shoe. I guess mom will not like this."
But what surprise me is that, my mom was kinda excited and went to see my new pair of shoes too. Well, I guess she realise it is TIME to get a new pair of sports shoes. I can't wait to wear it for my basketball and badminton session. *grinz*
Saturday, February 19, 2005
Fairy Tale
Fairy Tale... Before Chinese New Year, I bought an album sung by Michael Wong. The tile is "Michael's Fairy Tale". Very interesting song he got. Somehow, the first song indeed will made me fell in to the story of the song. The name of the song is "fairy tale"
I guess everyone has their own fairy tale. We used to listen to fairy tales when we were young. These tales often have the happy ending and always ends with "They lived happily ever after..". Hence, we often wish, we were one of the character in the fairy tale. We often wish our life will just like the fairy tale, happy ending.
However, as we grew older, life can never be that ideal. We will face a lot of obstacles. Some we may just walk past it easily. Some just stop us down. Is there really happy ending? To me, Fairy tales are some bedtime story that conned children to bed. Fairy? Do they really exist? How many of us really have a happy ending? Prince charming will always marry his princess and lived happily ever after? The princess will get her true love?
In the lyrics of the song, it states, "You told me as your tears fell, fairy tales are all lies." Somehow I used to agree with it. Remember there was once, I told him, "fairy tales are all lies", "There is no fairy, no angel", "There is no such things as happy ending". I almost give up my own fairy tale.
He gave me a hug and said, "Everyone has a tale. Fairy don't exist but there is always miracles. Fairy might not help you when you are in trouble. I just want to tell you, you are not alone. Your family, friends and me. We will all stand by your side to guide you to you 'happy ending' wish."
"Every fairy tale gives us hope. You should not give up. You should be strong and hold on to your own. Your own tale will have a happy ending one day." He continued. Yes. Though fairy tales are some children bedtime story, it still give hope and is something that some people look forward to achieve. There may be no fairy or even angels araound to guide. But we still have our loves one. From that there onwards, I know, he is one of my guardian of angel.Grandpa, just wan't to say thank you for guiding me all along!
Monday, February 14, 2005
The Trauma (Part II)
Later evening, I was supposed to fetch James to Wei Chang's open house at 5:30pm. Due to the jam in the highway, he postponed it to 6:30pm and then to 7:00pm. Well, at least I can spend more time in Soephix place. Had a lot of things to share with her (girls talk). I went back home at 6pm and took a quick nap. However, my mind was playing back the scene whereby the car crash to the drain. I was woken up by my cellphones. Gee.. almost 7:00pm.
As soon as I picked James up, I headed to Vincent's house to pick him and Gerry. Then we went to Sai Khuan's house. As I was driving, my mind was nowhere but back to the highway where the incident happens. Yes, it was raining and I'm driving all the way to OUG without paying much attention to the road. As a result, I caused Sai Khuan, who is following behind my car, went around the bush several time (I mean going round a circle).
I was really kind of scare when I was heading to OUG. I don't know why I was so afraid but I try my best not to let them realised. I try to cheer myself up by talking but it fails. Anyways, I'm lucky enough that we all reach the destiny safe and sound.
I'm not going to describe in detail on the events that evening. As usual, it will be dinner and then the Uncle Lim's session. Well, enough, i got some side income. We play some fireworks too. Unfortunately the cops visited us and caught us with it. I will discuss on it, well, comment on it on my following blog. Sorry, today discussion is on the trauma. It's not related on the 'greedy yet unprofessional cops'. So, I guess I will leave it suspense for the moment.
Let's continue. As the clock reaches 3:30am, we all went home. I was kind of neglected to drive actually. It was so dark and raining. It's the first time I encounter such feeling. But how was I supposed to tell them that I don't want to drive? Without saying anything, I headed to my car and start the engine. "Let's hope everything will be fine. God bless me and my friends,” I pray in my heart. As I was driving back, I felt myself trembling. Was it because of the cold weather or was it because I'm scare? I saw cars in front and beside me.
"Let's hope the driver in the car is awake." "Will the car next to me swirl to me suddenly?" "What happen if the car driver is drunk?" "What's the point if I drive carefully when the car next to me drive recklessly?"
These few questions kept playing through my mind as I drive. I decided not to use the highway, as I know that road's accident rate is high. However, I make another bad choice (as usual). Roadblock! What a dumb *ss! I hate them blocking the road. Waste of my time and I hate taking out my ID card from the purse as I always forget to put them back later (ended up driving without ID the next time). James looking, yes they thought I'm freaking out. Obviously no. They never know how much I hated the Police. I am freak out but not the roadblock. It’s the incident that freaks me out. “Weird, why I didn’t feel such feeling when I was driving back this afternoon after the incident?” “Why am I feeling this after so many hours?” I asked myself as I’m reaching Vincent’s house. I can feel hand shaking when I was holding the steering. Lucky enough they didn't realise it.
In the middle of the journey, I started to mumble. Talking to myself. "Shouldn't have drive. " "I don't think I can drive for these few days." "I'm not concentrating"
I'm worried how to get home after sending everyone back. I'm all alone in the car. What if....Well, thank god. He really did answer my prayer. I got to reach home safe and sound. It's a very memorable moment to me. All these while, I've been telling my friends "I love to drive, especially at the highway. " not these time, Kaysin. When will I be driving back again? I'm still wondering....
Sunday, February 13, 2005
The Trauma (Part I)
While I was surfing the net the other day, an article about trauma interest me. Especially the part about Acute Stress Disorder. Am I experiencing it? Well, I'm not sure...
 "Traumatic experiences shake the foundations of our beliefs about safety, and shatter our assumptions of trust.
Because they are so far outside what we would expect, these events provoke reactions that feel strange and "crazy". Perhaps the most helpful thing I can say here is that even though these reactions are unusual and disturbing, they are typical and expectable. By and large, these are normal responses to abnormal events. "
I remember it very clear as it had been replaying in my mind while I was sleeping, driving, eating, and.... I just can't get it out of my head.
It was a hot humid whether which makes everyone feels sleepy that day. I was driving with my mother and my sister home from my grandpa place. Because my cousin went home early with my aunt's car, I need to fetch her and her son back to Kepong as well.  The highway was kind of crowded with cars, well, at least it's not jam. I saw the needle pointing at 120km/h.  Opps...off the limit. Guess I just need to slow down. The radio station always plays the wrong songs at the wrong time especially in the afternoon. Its making me more and more sleepy. I started changing the radio station from Hitz to Mix and then to S&L, back to Hitz. Most of the songs can help to meditate drivers to sleep instead. My eyes can hardly open. Tears are starting to fell as I yawn. To avoid anything happen, I decided not to speed as I'm almost reaching Sg Buloh. So I starting to drive from the express lane to the the left lane. Can't afford anything to happen as I have passengers. My mind kept playing back on the TV shows about the fortune of the rooster zodiac 2 days ago  .
"You will meet or involve in many accident this year. Beware and drive safely."
What a year for rooster, I thought. I pass through a Black Saga as the car move to the emergency lane. "Hmmm.. I guess the car driver is sleepy."
An apple green Saga was in front of us. At that time, my mom was awake from her favourite car's nap.
"Weird, this car also need to stop at the roadside?" I wonder as I saw it also went to the emergency lane. But it does not stop there, it just went straight to the drain. By this time, my mom who also witness the incident started to scream. I was too panic to scream as I'm thinking what was the right thing to do to prevent another accident (as usual). Quickly, I slow down my car and press on the emergency light so that behind car will not hit me. The Apple Green car went back to the road from the drain and turn turtle there. Glasses scatters everywhere. The bumper fly off. I was so afraid things might just hit my car as the car was right in front of me. My mom and I was like watching the real time 3 D stunts. That time, I realise we were the first to witness what happen.My mom as me to park the car aside, I was kind of neglected to park it near as I'm afraid the car might explode as it had overturn.
As soon as my car stop, my mom and aunt rushes out from the car to help. I ask my sister and cousin to lock the car door as I left. I saw all the mans came and help to drag the victims out from the car wrecked. In just few seconds, all the car was park in front. A lot came running to help to open the door of the car but failed. However, they are some who was walking slowly, neglecting to help. (why is he walking to the scene then? Busybody fellow. Such a selfish assh*le) .
One of the victims who is the mother was crying came out unhurt from the incident. She kept asking everyone to help to get her daughter and sons out from the car (and yet some b*st*rd still taking their own sweet time looking and walking towards the scene). Then the driver (her sons) got out from the car with his head full of blood. Quickly, I went back to my car to grab a box of tissue and my cellphone for to call for help. Then a Malay lady behind my car gave me another box of tissue. As I handed the boxes of tissue to the mother, she looked so helpless. She kept saying "thank you" but her tears rushes down. Then I started to take out my cellphone I realised that I do not know what number  to call for ambulance. I heard another man was asking the same question to the operator. "I guess the awareness of dialing 999 in the housephone are more successful that the emergency line through the cellphones". Somehow we got the ambulance number. IT'S 112. Remember it Folks.
I look at the car again. I saw a girl's legs at the back of the seat. She was left there. Not moving. Not Screaming. Is she dead? Or was it unconscious? I don't know. I asked my mom, "Can't they take her out?" She did not answer but I know it from the expression. I was kind of neglected to leave the scene as I want to know the condition of the girl. But my mom has an appointment at 2pm.
After that I was driving at 50km/h from the scene (sg buloh) to Kepong and back to PJ. My mind kept playing back the incident. I'm still curious on the condition of the girl. Maybe if I know she is safe, I might not have such trauma... trauma? The trauma did not stop there. To be continue....  .
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